F**k Discipline
Some musings on one of current time’s most popular self-development words. This blog post is a bit of a ramble. A stream of consciousness, if you will. Not much ‘commercial’ value here, no actionable steps. But hopefully it provides a little food for thought.
What comes to mind when you think of the word discipline? Does it make you think of strength or willpower? Determination? Self-control? What about punishment or self-flagellation?
We have words in order to allow the sharing of concepts with others, but often we will use a word to describe a concept in our minds that has a very different meaning to someone else.
Because the word ‘discipline’ is so incredibly ubiquitous in the world of personal development, I think it’s worth exploring a little deeper.
Whether you have a negative or positive connotation towards this word, you are correct. Whatever we believe, whatever we feel, is what comes to life for us in the events we observe. But if you feel that this word has a negative connotation, punishment self flagellation, you're probably a little bit more right, in a sense, because, while there are some really lovely aspects to the etymology of this word, its first use in English is pretty clearly around punishments.
The very first time that it was used in English, it described “chastisement of a religious nature.” So it's funny that this word, a word that has become synonymous with the pursuit of success, synonymous with personal development, is considered a non-negotiable for growth, actually has its roots in a very, very negative place.
And so when individuals in the personal development field promote discipline, they may not realize that they are promoting something that has its roots in negative reinforcement.
Or maybe they do.
You know, it's kind of funny because I actually feel like a lot of the people that are really big on discipline, those people with podcasts on personal development who use the word discipline and love to say that“whoever's not successful, it's an issue with a lack of discipline.” You can see some of that self-punishment within these people. You can see that they they probably tend to be pretty hard on themselves.
Personally, I've always had a pretty difficult relationship with this concept. I am not big on the idea of discipline, and I have shifted more and more from that concept, the more inner work I've been doing, and the more I’ve worked with others who are seeking transformation.
And that's not to say that there aren't things that I did that there are not things that I dedicate myself to, I absolutely do.
There are many things that I do every day that I am committed to, that many people would look at and say this is discipline. But for me, because of the negative connotation I have with that word, it’s something that I choose to align with. What's happened is all every action that I partake in, in my life that looks like discipline, is actually an act of self love.
For me, discipline was when I had an exercise addiction and an eating disorder. Discipline was when I was working hard in my job so that I could prove to others that I had value. It's not discipline in the sense of I am forcing myself to do something.
That is not me now. While many of the actions may look the same, they are now acts of love. They are acts of dedication to myself. They are acts of appreciation for myself, or acts of love and appreciation for someone else.
And I really try to make every choice in my life this way.What happens is people are so afraid that if they let go of the self punishment, that it will result in chaos and lack of motivation and laziness and procrastination. But what actually happens is once you start to release the self punishment, your inner self, whether you want to call that your inner child, your deeper self, whatever it is, responds so beautifully to that.
It creates space for you to be able to determine what actions can be the most loving actions. When you think about a new love, or any love in your life.
You may take daily committed action to supporting that person and the relationship. But I can guarantee you you wouldn't consider it discipline.
Are there times where you may feel tired and not want to do something and do it anyway? Yes.
If the word discipline works for you then ignore everything I’ve just said. The reality is we're talking about semantics here.
The word is just a standard for a concept, and so if that word is associated with a different concept for you, then use it. But if we are doing an action that we don't feel like doing out of self-punishment or ‘not enough-ness,’ that to me is not the kind of discipline I want in my life.
For me, discipline is something that you may do when you don't feel like it but it's out of a great act of love.
Maybe because I know my body will respond well to this. It's because I know that my partner needs me, or I know that my commitment and love for this person, this relationship, this path, this career choice is greater than whatever feelings I have in the moment. For me, that's where discipline can be a good thing. But we get it all mixed up and it gets really icky and a lot of the time when I hear people talk about discipline, they're pulling from that old English meaning.
Other points and etymology of the word actually are quite lovely, right? So discipline comes from the word ‘disciple’, someone who is dedicated to learning, someone who wants to be a scholar, someone who is a follower of a belief system or a person.
So at its root, discipline is a commitment to love. But for so long we have been perverting its its true essence.
And so I invite you to look at how you're approaching your daily actions.
Do you get mad at yourself when you don't do something consistently? Are you caught up in a multi-layer event of self-flagellation where the thing that you're trying to do is self-flagellating? And then when you don't do it because you don't feel good, you then flagellate yourself for not doing it.
That's a lot of heavy, heavy energy to try to work through. And if that's what's happening for you, no wonder the actions you're wanting to take aren't being taken.
So how do you think of the word ‘discipline’?
Because for me, again, there are many things that I am committed to. There are many things that I am very, very committed to.
However, I have tried as much as possible to make sure that all of those behaviors of commitment are sourced in love.
Not fear, Not obligation. Not punishing myself because I should be doing ‘XYZ,’
but out of love.